I was Ten Weeks Pregnant
I was ten weeks pregnant, and it will stay at that.
Last March 3, while I was undergoing TVS, my OB's voice changed and said that the baby has no heartbeat. She then explained to me what she was seeing on the ultrasound. It took long for me to process what she was saying. I only heard that the baby did not have a heartbeat. In my mind, I want to get out of bed and go to my husband. I could not accept what my OB was telling me. Finally, she said that she will schedule me for D&C the following Saturday.
I felt an emptiness in me. My heart was heavy. I would smile and even laugh, but it felt hollow inside.
I would cry in the shower at times, in our bed at night. I tried to hold back tears while I was at work.
The following Tuesday, I went to another OB for a second opinion. With deathly finality, she said that the baby has no heartbeat. She wrote down tests I need to take to check the toxicity level in blood. I took the paper, and with shoulders slumped, I left the clinic. I do not have the heart to have any lab test taken. I just wanted to go home.
What was it that I did or did not do for this to happen to my baby? I had a difficult pregnancy with my first child, but we were able to surpass that. My second one was an easy pregnancy with few morning sickness. With my third pregnancy, I did not have any morning sickness. I thought wow, my body might have perfected the art of being pregnant, because I feel so normal. No morning sickness and cravings. I did not know something is not going well with the baby already. If I had known, I would welcome any morning sickness, just to have you safe and healthy inside me.
The saddest part was the long wait for Saturday to get the D&C procedure. I could not help thinking that my baby does not have a heartbeat inside me and I could not do anything to help her. :( A mother's guilt maybe...
Some people tell me to not be sad since I can have another baby. I can't help it though; it will be a different baby next time.
Thank you, my child, for the short time that you were with us you brought us happiness. The first time I had the pregnancy test, and it came out positive, I was really happy. Even your Ate was happy to find out I was pregnant. We were really looking forward to having you. We love you so much.
Last March 3, while I was undergoing TVS, my OB's voice changed and said that the baby has no heartbeat. She then explained to me what she was seeing on the ultrasound. It took long for me to process what she was saying. I only heard that the baby did not have a heartbeat. In my mind, I want to get out of bed and go to my husband. I could not accept what my OB was telling me. Finally, she said that she will schedule me for D&C the following Saturday.
I felt an emptiness in me. My heart was heavy. I would smile and even laugh, but it felt hollow inside.
I would cry in the shower at times, in our bed at night. I tried to hold back tears while I was at work.
The following Tuesday, I went to another OB for a second opinion. With deathly finality, she said that the baby has no heartbeat. She wrote down tests I need to take to check the toxicity level in blood. I took the paper, and with shoulders slumped, I left the clinic. I do not have the heart to have any lab test taken. I just wanted to go home.
What was it that I did or did not do for this to happen to my baby? I had a difficult pregnancy with my first child, but we were able to surpass that. My second one was an easy pregnancy with few morning sickness. With my third pregnancy, I did not have any morning sickness. I thought wow, my body might have perfected the art of being pregnant, because I feel so normal. No morning sickness and cravings. I did not know something is not going well with the baby already. If I had known, I would welcome any morning sickness, just to have you safe and healthy inside me.
The saddest part was the long wait for Saturday to get the D&C procedure. I could not help thinking that my baby does not have a heartbeat inside me and I could not do anything to help her. :( A mother's guilt maybe...
Some people tell me to not be sad since I can have another baby. I can't help it though; it will be a different baby next time.
Thank you, my child, for the short time that you were with us you brought us happiness. The first time I had the pregnancy test, and it came out positive, I was really happy. Even your Ate was happy to find out I was pregnant. We were really looking forward to having you. We love you so much.
Comments
Post a Comment